It is late but I am ready to write.
Supper was great at my mom's house, it was nice to sit and enjoy a meal with them. I cherish every minute that I get to spend with my family. Mom made me a tasty bread pudding (just for me) and as I devoured it, I thought...yes, it's these simple things in life that make me the most happiest indeed!!
Last night was tough and I was praying constantly for answers once again and spiritual calm. The answers did not come but the spiritual calm certainly came in the form of sleep. It was deep and it was needed.
One of the gifts that I received today was hearing my son on the other end of the phone telling me that he was okay and that he would be calling me later tonight...this call will give me a shred of hope if nothing else right now, I will take this, FOR NOW!!! I have no choice.
As I listened, I thought, Oh NO, what has happened now?? Now, it's automatic, and sheer panic coats my entire existence. They are fine, but Matthew is not doing so well. He is in the hospital and he is not feeling very well.
That coat of panic elevated to sheer hysterics at this point.
A little while later, I find myself on the way to the hospital to see my son. It was a gorgeous night and on the way I tried to find things to soothe me, the calm of the night, the beautiful moon. I needed some time to think. I needed some time to collect myself so I could be ready for my son.
Upon arrival, I walked in through the emergency doors and went to the Nurses station. They showed me where my son was. He was settled in a trauma room directly across from the Nurses Station. I entered the room, I could see him move his eyes and I said that I loved him and he told me he loved me too. I sat down and looked at this picture, becoming an all too familiar picture with repeats. As much as I wanted to talk, he didn't. He had told me he wasn't feeling well and I didn't want to press for answers at this point. He was dosing in and out of sleep and as I watched my son, my blood, sweat, and tears on that gurney....all I could think was that this could have been so much worse!!!
As he lay there drifting into sleep, I kept looking at the pulse rising up and down in his neck...I was thankful...I kept holding onto his hand and wanting to touch his face..I kept running my hands through his beautiful, thick hair......this is my Son, this is my little boy.....how much more can the three of us take......before someone listens to us!!!
There are many questions, arising from the beginning of the incident, to the end. There are few people accountable for what happened to Matthew.
So, you ask what happened? And I say, God wasn't ready to take him yet, thank you God!!! I say, if someone doesn't listen to what I have to say, I might not be as lucky the next time as to see his little heart pumping from underneath the blankets.
As I sat there, my eyes fixated on his every move, I could feel the smothering thought of him being in front of me, not breathing. I couldn't fathom this happening, I can't fathom this happening!!! How do I stop it???? How do we get help when we need it? Does there have to be bloodshed first? Does a person have to die first? This is Time-Sensitive. This is Urgent. This is the face of a child misunderstood and lost in the Stages of a System gone terribly wrong, that no-one wants to investigate, for if they did, God knows what they may find.....well, I will fight with every fiber of my being, for my sons' lives and for mine......and in doing so, I will get justice for my family, for all that we've had to endure.
And I ask myself, how could I have trusted a System that had let me down and wronged Me, so many years ago??? How could I have trusted a System that Supports so much misery????? But I digress............
No comments:
Post a Comment